Silencing the negative thoughts

I’ve started and stopped a version of this post many times. And for weeks now, I’ve been wanting to share my thoughts with you, but haven’t been able to get over whatever was keeping me from writing in a way that didn’t frustrate me. So, I’m taking this post as an opportunity to share the not-so-glamorous side of my academic life and ease back into the newsletter thing. It has been almost three months after all…

Although the picture below is not actually one of me, it does accurately capture how I’ve been feeling as an assistant professor in their first term. For me, change is hard. I had a great thing going in Chicago. I enjoyed my postdoc, had lots of friends near me, could easily travel to see my family, lived full-time with my partner, felt like I belonged in my community, knew exactly where to get all my favorite foods, and even loved my grocery store. Then I moved, happily, to start an exciting tenure track position in an unfamiliar place.

To be clear, I know I’m quite lucky. I secured a tenure track position in a supportive department that values my work. I live only half a country away from my family (vs. internationally). I have good friends about an hour or so away (totally manageable!). I’ve been welcomed warmly into my new communities. Yet, I’ve been lonely and feeling like I don’t have control over my life. As a result, I catch myself engaging in negative thought patterns that are unhealthy and unproductive. Although on top of some things, I’m woefully behind on others. I just can’t seem to get comfortable. Yet, over the past week, I’ve emerged from my funk (for now) and so I thought I’d share some of how I talk to myself to quiet the negative thoughts and feel a bit more at ease with this period of change.

THOUGHT: I don’t feel effective in the classroom.

Like many instructors in their first term, I don’t feel like I’m effective in the classroom. I’m teaching on a topic that is outside my expertise and one that is constantly changing (social media marketing). Each week, I’m finishing lectures just before I give them. I can’t seem to get students excited or engaged during class sessions. I must be the worst instructor. No student is going to want to take my class in the future.

• What is actually going on? Yes, prepping a new, unfamiliar course is hard! I’m giving my students everything I’ve got. I’m making use of outside resources, meeting with experts, checking in with my colleagues in the department, attending teaching seminars, and testing out new things each week to see what works (and what doesn’t). Yes, this course is going to change each semester as I become more comfortable with the content, learn how to better connect with students and meet their needs, and take advantage of institutional and community resources to create more meaningful learning opportunities. Will I be able to say I did everything I could at the end of the semester? Yes! Then, I’m doing what I can and cannot do more.

THOUGHT: I’m not getting any research done.

Again, like many new professors, I don’t feel like I’m getting anything done beyond course prep, answering emails, and attending meetings. I haven’t even submitted an IRB application at my new institution! There’s no way I’ll earn tenure at this rate.

• What is actually going on? Yes, it’s true I haven’t submitted an IRB application at my new institution yet, but I’ve done many other things to move my research forward. I’ve had five papers published or accepted this year (only one first-author publication, but a win is a win!) and have two first-author papers with invited revisions. I’m actively working on several manuscripts and am in various stages with other projects. I’ve been fortunate to work with an amazing RA who has helped me do a lot of important work to prepare for data collection and outreach. I’m even co-organizing a pre-conference for a major conference and submitted a workshop proposal for an international symposium which required coordinating with over a dozen leaders in my field! So, I’d say I’m doing ok for a first-year professor.

THOUGHT: My research isn’t important or interesting.

I experience a lot of rejection and more so in my “chosen” field (marketing) versus the field I was trained in (psychology). I feel like a tiny minnow trying to find its way through an ocean or like someone trying to scream in a vacuum and never being heard. Getting any manuscript through the peer review process feels like an impossible uphill battle. Every accepted conference talk feels like a fluke. In fact, once I received an email congratulating me on my symposium’s acceptance only to receive an email shortly thereafter letting me know that congratulatory email was a mistake. What I study and what I have to contribute must not be good or valuable.

• What is actually going on? Yes, rejection stings but it’s inevitable. It’s also a good reminder that I’m continuing to put myself out there, even when I don’t think I have the best shot. And yes, it’s also true that not many people study exactly what I do, so I am going to be cited less and may even have a hard time building momentum until I learn how to better communicate the relevance and importance of my work. I can continue to learn from those willing to share their insights and continue to put myself out there. Eventually, I will get better. Also, I’ve been invited to give multiple talks this term! That’s great evidence that there are others out there who value what I’m doing!

THOUGHT: I don’t have any friends.

I’m lonely. I’m awkward. There’s no place for me in my community. I’m never going to make friends living in such a small town. I’m never going to have friends who want to hang out with me at conferences. Maybe I’m not friend material.

• What is actually going on? First, I’m a great friend! I care deeply about my friends and am generally good at letting people know how important they are to me. But it’s also true that I’m living in a new city far away from many of my closest friends and it’s hard. This is one major downside of academia. We develop these wonderful relationships with others only to move in different directions. It’s also true I’m living in a place where it may be more difficult to spontaneously make friends. So, I need to be more intentional about cultivating relationships. I also need to recognize that I’ve been fortunate to already meet so many wonderful potential new friends, including my neighbor! So, although I can continue to lament that my friends are far away (even those who are only one hour away), I can do more to put myself out there and be more deliberate about making plans with those friends who I can connect in-person with. So, for those friends of mine in NYC, let’s get together!

THOUGHT: I’m never going to be comfortable here.

I was fortunate to live in the Midwest for over 10 years before leaving the region (for those doing the math, Kansas is NOT in the Midwest, I don’t care what you say!). I’m from the Midwest and I’m comfortable there. Although I’m not from Chicago, no place has ever felt more like home. I truly could not love Chicago any more than I already do. So, leaving it was tough. I teared up as I drove across the Skyway. Now, I’m living in a small town on Long Island. People quickly learn I’m an outsider when I mispronounce street names and ask for “pop” at restaurants. Speaking of pop, what I wouldn’t give for some Vernors (especially right now with this lingering migraine)! I confuse beaches and expressways. I can’t find a dog walking service. I miss my White Sox license plate. I worry I’m never going to feel at home.

• What is actually going on? I need to cut myself some slack! I haven’t even lived in my new home for three months! How could it possibly feel like home (at least for someone like me who struggles with change)? Plus, I could do more to help myself out here (e.g., finish unpacking!!). Importantly, I’m also taking steps to better integrate myself within my community. I have my new library card. I’m going to join the Big Brothers Big Sisters program (my interview is this month!) after being a part of the program for over three years in Chicago. I’m going to see The Late Show with Stephen Colbert this month. I look forward to going to the theater with my partner soon. I can do the things that bring me joy in my new home — I may just have to be a bit more intentional about it (given its location). I’m going to be ok and I’m doing what I can.

Final thoughts.

• If you’re having a hard time, you aren’t alone.

• We tend to be our own worst enemies and our harshest critics. Let’s agree to give ourselves a bit more grace.

• Odds are, you’re doing your best. If you only have 20% to give and you give that 20%, you gave everything you could give. (I just heard something like that somewhere and it really resonated with me.)

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Until next time!

Margaret